Thoughts on turning 31.

Perhaps I've claimed that my life has been eventful before, I don't really remember.  But this past year deserves to go into my personal history as one that has definitely changed my life.

I have lost a father and gained a husband
I have left my home country and am attempting to find out where I am to establish myself next,
I have moved from a habit of escaping into a habit of staying in
I have stopped being comfortable with routine and started impatiently waiting
and my relationships moved from being strong with presence into being solidified in absence.

I can make this day-after-birthday post into a rant about wanting the waiting to stop so that this new phase in my life can begin but I must not.  Instead, I will focus on being grateful for having family and friends who love and support me here and from miles away.

 I am blessed to have a family that have allowed me to be free and let me choose the path I will take.  They have not allowed fear to interfere with what I can accomplish and have even encouraged me when I first toyed with the idea of exploring lands beyond what we've always known as home.

I am blessed to have nieces and nephews who look to me as a parent, an aunt and (hopefully) a friend.

I am blessed to have friends who don't need me to tell them every single detail of my life, because they already know who I am deep down and they will support me and hold me up no matter where I may end up.

I am blessed to have new old friends who are willing to be my family now that that I am far from home.

I am blessed to have a partner who will extend love and support even through the distance, who accepts that I am not perfect, and that I will be weak and strong, independent and needy at the same time and that through it all, we will continue to work at our lives and ourselves.

I am blessed and for that, I am grateful.

like christmas

I was informed today that I should expect another gift from a friend...I already know what the gift is, I just have to wait a bit until I can use it...and its something that will come in very handy to what Allan already gave me.

Wow. All these gifts are overwhelming...everything I've received so far are things that I really really really want. Thank you!! :)

counting up: days 23 til 25

Day 23 was actually my 30th birthday.
Contrary to what I had envisioned last year, I did not plan for any party. I originally wanted to celebrate moving out of my 20s and into my 30s with something more memorable than just spending the day at work like any normal day. In the end, I didn't think it was sensible to spend for it, so I skipped work that day and decided that I would watch WALL-E (which I haven't seen yet) with Allan. Nothing extraordinary right? Until I found out what he got me for my birthday.

To those who sent me messages via YM, text, email, friendster/facebook/multiply comments....Thank you! I apologize for not responding...I was in shock the entire day (a good sort of shock, of course) I couldn't concentrate on responding :)

The rest of the weekend was spent like any other weekend. At home, taking care of the kids. Tried a bit of their Guitar Hero the one time it cooperated and worked. I suck there, big time.

On Sunday, we went back to MCS for live fire again...while I wont say that I suck there as well, I have little improvement from the last time. I want to be better at it, but at the same time, I'm feeling a little disappointed in myself. I thought I'd be a fast learner with guns, that all. I don't know where I got that idea, but I had hoped it was true.

milestone

Be forewarned: Long entry ahead...

Many moons ago, I picked up the old film SLR I didnt realize we had at home and started shooting with friends. Eventually, an SLR was on the list of my “Things to bring to work on a daily basis”, along with my wallet, cellphone and kikay kit.

When people I met in photography forums started talking about digital photography, I dreamed of owning my own DSLR someday. In the meantime, I concentrated on Aperture, Shutter and Composition. I never felt that I would go into Photography as a career primarily because unlike those around me, I never felt that the talent came naturally. It was something that I had to work hard on in order to achieve results. I argued that I was already working hard on programming skills for my day job, I think getting into another profession where I have to exert a lot of effort on 24/7 would drive me crazy. One at a time only please, one at a time.

So photography was the fun, creative learning part, whereas work was the more serious, learning part. Doing both eventually proved beneficial, as I finally bought my very own digital SLR, Buddy in 2004.

And then I started to really get older. By that I mean, I started getting more responsibilities at home. So Buddy never got any new playmates, save for a basic flash and a 28-105 lens, both secondhand. Ultra-wides were top of my “want” list, but I just couldnt get them...so again, I concentrated on taking my kit 300D and secondhand gear to wherever work took me and took as many photos as I can, however I can, the best that I can.

While all of this was happening, entry-level digital SLRs started popping out left and right, and I feared that Buddy would eventually go obsolete. I made the decision to sell Buddy, partly because I needed the finances, partly because I wanted to make sure that he still had value when I sell him and partly because I wanted to do something drastic to force me to upgrade. So Buddy went along with the kit lens and flash. And since then, I’ve never owned a camera.

Up until my 30^th birthday.

Its the single most expensive gift anyone (parents excluded) has ever given me. That, plus the fact that it IS the single most relevant gift that anyone can ever give me. I’ve never been able to replace Buddy because of so many reasons, yet I’ve always, always, always wanted to get myself a new DSLR. For the longest time, I would go to places and attend events and I would always feel that one thing was missing....my DSLR. In the year and a half without a camera, I fear I’ve lost the little talent I’ve worked so hard to acquire and I’ve always been fearful at the back of my mind that I no longer have a creative and fun bone in my body. Photography was my fun, creative, adventurous side. Without a camera, I am just your plain working girl. 9-to-5-or-so job on weekdays (and usually beyond) and Tita-turned-mommy-turned-household-help on weekends.

Now that I have this still unnamed new toy in my life, I can start re-learning photography again, I have reason to start exploring places that can be captured in photos, and I can re-learn how to see things differently again. I'd be starting from scratch, but I dont really mind. At least I'm starting from somewhere.

Thank you. You've turned my birthday into the milestone it really should be. With every photo I take, I will always be reminded of how much thought (and cash!) you've put into getting me this gift.