thoughts on the past year

As I write this I am eating out by myself...it has been a while since I last dined out by myself. In fact, I can't even remember when the last time was. It must've been back in Manila because I don't remember eating out alone in Dublin.

This probably explains why I don't have decent blog entries. I think despite being alone, I haven't actually spent much time being by myself. Well, not the typical alone time that allows me to think and write.

So what has been happening to me in the past one year and (almost) one month? The obvious answer, I've lived in an apartment for one year, and I've moved out of that apartment into a new one. It's smaller and slightly cheaper but much nicer I think. It will be my home for the next year, after I which I'm pretty sure I'll be moving again...Allan and I would probably need more closet space.

Also an obvious answer, Allan and I are still in two different countries, despite the fact that we've gotten married. It was not easy last year and it's still not easy now. But we do what we have to do and we deal with the difficulties because, well, we have to.

The less obvious answer, and something that I've admitted to myself just now is that the past year has been struggling to force some sense of normalcy in my life. I've been trying to get a balance between working on weekdays and establishing a "life" for me here. I signed up for the gym in order to get me to do something other than work, but in the past month, that has blown up in my face. I've gotten frustrated over forcing myself to go. The fact that I tell myself to go makes me not want to go. I am a rebellious teenager rebelling against myself. In the past weeks though, I’ve been feeling a familiar restlessness come over me more and more. The “old” me who never stayed put on weekends is slowly making itself felt again. I hear that voice inside that says you should be out and about instead of moping around. I haven’t fully entertained that thought yet, but I think I will need to in the next year.

I guess that overall, while this past year has been extremely significant for me, it has put other pieces of my life on hold. I think most of the time I spent away from home, here in Dublin, seem like lost time. Nothing seemed to have happened, and I was functioning as though on auto pilot…..I want my life to start again.

one year later

One year ago today, I spent my first day in Dublin...and maybe a few more days before that, I may have written my last decent blog entry.  I've moved countries and lost the ability to blog.

Oh well, I think I'll post this photo instead (taken sometime January this year I think).

Welcome to Dublin!

Allan finally arrives in Dublin.  Not to stay, but only to visit for two weeks.  His first few days included struggling with recovery from the long flight and the shock of the soon-to-be-winter weather.  As a result, our first weekend was slow sightseeing-wise, but he's been to the shopping areas and have done some tours of the cities, so I think most of the important Dublin places are covered.

Photos are starting to pile up, but not as much as I had thought.  Tomorrow, we drive West though..and I expect thats when most shots will be taken.  For now, here's my favorite portrait:

Anticipation

Thoughts on turning 31.

Perhaps I've claimed that my life has been eventful before, I don't really remember.  But this past year deserves to go into my personal history as one that has definitely changed my life.

I have lost a father and gained a husband
I have left my home country and am attempting to find out where I am to establish myself next,
I have moved from a habit of escaping into a habit of staying in
I have stopped being comfortable with routine and started impatiently waiting
and my relationships moved from being strong with presence into being solidified in absence.

I can make this day-after-birthday post into a rant about wanting the waiting to stop so that this new phase in my life can begin but I must not.  Instead, I will focus on being grateful for having family and friends who love and support me here and from miles away.

 I am blessed to have a family that have allowed me to be free and let me choose the path I will take.  They have not allowed fear to interfere with what I can accomplish and have even encouraged me when I first toyed with the idea of exploring lands beyond what we've always known as home.

I am blessed to have nieces and nephews who look to me as a parent, an aunt and (hopefully) a friend.

I am blessed to have friends who don't need me to tell them every single detail of my life, because they already know who I am deep down and they will support me and hold me up no matter where I may end up.

I am blessed to have new old friends who are willing to be my family now that that I am far from home.

I am blessed to have a partner who will extend love and support even through the distance, who accepts that I am not perfect, and that I will be weak and strong, independent and needy at the same time and that through it all, we will continue to work at our lives and ourselves.

I am blessed and for that, I am grateful.

Culinary Attempt # 2

I can't cook anything other than the basic stuff that I know, and I'm not an expert on tastes either. I've found that people who are particular about their food make great cooks (and vice versa maybe?). Since I can eat almost anything as long as its edible and the taste is not grossly off, I don't know what to do with spices and flavors hence I can't experiment with food.

So...when Allan insisted that I try out a recipe, I did so with a lot of apprehension. The main thing that convinced me was that the recipe was straightforward and simple. The only catch is that it was time consuming...

I made Afelia tonight using the recipe from this website. It took me all evening to make and I had to be content with a cheese sandwich for dinner instead (I was starving and couldn't wait for this to finish). I'm planning to bring it to work tomorrow and have the guys try it out. Not a food expert see, so I need other people's opinions. In any case, here's a shot a took of the finished product.

Let's see what the guys think tomorrow.

starting again.

It never fails. Everytime something changes, be it where I am or the state that I am in, I always find myself going back to the beginning. I always to have to pick up from where I think I left off. And its never easy. There are always roadblocks preventing me from keeping things going.

Lately I've been feeling like I'm becoming such a mess. Its harder to find the strength to be the best version of me. I don't know if its age or lack of motivation, but its harder to get going again. I keep thinking, I've done this before, why did things have to happen to make me start all over?

But I have to be honest. Most of the reasons why I had to step back was because of my decisions as well. I decided to move and therefore I must deal with starting from scratch. Its ironic really, that which actually gives me more room to move is also hindering me from getting things going. I'm trying, I really am....but I need help. I need my moral support to be much closer to me. I need my motivation to be much more tangible.

I need to get my act together. Life keeps on going while I sit confused and overwhelmed.

restless yet again

In the past week I've changed my blog layout twice. I've lost count of how many times I've changed templates in the course of my 6 and a half year old blog.

Its one of those moments when I feel like the whole look isn't me....and I don't really know what "me" means these days....

But thats another blog post. For now, thank you to Simply Fabulous Blogger Templates for the wonderful designs. What would the internet be without these talented people?

(Stay tuned by the way, I may change it yet again!).

Soon after I posted this, I found another template again. Thank you Blogger Tricks!

this made me smile

I thought it was amusing and a clever way to advertise something...



It was actually referring to this.

sharing a link to another blog

I promised Allan I would post something about a recent event, so here it is. Clue: it has something to do with shiny round objects some people are sporting these days :)

In Memory of...

It happens to every family at one point, it is after all what Life is all about. Births and deaths happen every second, every day.

My dad is a typical old fashioned dad. We grew up knowing there was absolutely no way we can question whatever he says. As a child I feared him a lot, and I wondered why we weren't as close the same way my mom and I were close. Or even the same way my friends were close with their dads. As I grew older I realized that that was just him and that is how he is and I've accepted that. In the past few years I've even had more talks with him. They were brief talks and they were not about anything profound even, but most of my fear had gone away.

I've noticed more and more how much he's aged these past few years and I've even accompanied him just for routine visits to the doctor but not once did imagine his passing, nor did I even think about it. I just knew it was a certainty, just as I knew that it was a certainty for me, but it was always, always just a thought, an idea that was never quite concrete.

And then just like that, it was made concrete.

There are things I think of now that I wish I got around to doing, but never somehow found the time or the resources. I will never get to do them now. I take consolation only in knowing that I had made him proud somehow.

Blog Announcement!

I have created a new blog, not in multiply though,even though this is convenient and guarantees that whateve's posted will somehow, someway be read by someone.

The title is temporary until we think of a new one --- or it may stay that way if we don't. This blog will have everything and anything related to the wedding. Right now, its still a little bare, but updates will follow since things have started happening.

Do drop by and visit it sometime: http://allanandsocs.blogspot.com/

Home Improvement

I promised myself a few months back that I would buy a few things for the apartment that would make it fee a little more like home. Last month, I splurged a bit and went ahead and bought a TV and an area rug for the living area.

I'm still missing decor, shelves, hangings on the wall and maybe even curtains, but at least now I have one area where I would want to spend a little more time in...

From this, to this:

It isn't much yet, but I think I've found the optimal furniture arrangement that would work for my space.

Batanes Day 5 - From sun up til sundown

IMG_3678, originally uploaded by socs.

Our last full day in Batanes started early...we walked for an hour in darkness in order to make it to Valugan Bay to watch and capture the sunrise. It was my first ever attempt at taking photos at that time of the day, and since it was a cloudy morning, I ended up playing with my flash. The result gave me lovely morning colors with lit subjects --- if only sunrise werent so early, I'd shoot more often at that time of the day.

Our third attempt at capturing sunset was spent at Shanedel's Inn. We were going to shoot and then have dinner -- in that order. The sunset was better than the past attempts, though it could have been better.

IMG_3829, originally uploaded by socs.

Batanes Day 4 - Sunset Attempt # 2

IMG_3586, originally uploaded by socs.

After two days of touring Basco and Sabtang, the following day was spent slowly and leisurely. Our main plan was to find what was called "Rolling Hills" on our own and then head off to the lighthouse again to wait for what would hopefully be a breathtaking sunset.

I think the best sunset shot I got that day was this....more photos in my flickr gallery

IMG_3636, originally uploaded by socs.

Red

I'm finally catching up with the times :-D

Batanes Day 3 - Sabtang Island

(All photos from Day 3 are in my flickr gallery).

I bravely said yes to crossing the sea to Sabtang for our trip --- and I found out later on that I was only brave because I didn't know what I was getting into.

I've been on boats and sea vessels big and small and I've only been scared once (it was an overloaded ferry from Camiguin crossing turbulent waters with no lifejackets in sight) before...This was my second time to be terrified (and we each had our own lifejacket this time).

I remember thinking to myself that it had better be worth risking our lives --- and it was. It really was.


The little boat that could -- and DID!

IMG_3403, originally uploaded by socs.

We crossed the open seas on that boat! Granted, its not as small as it looks -- it carried 20+ passengers to and from Sabtang. It does, however, move with the waves...and in all directions! I regret not having taken a photo of our boat captain, he did bring us to and fro safely. But when you're worried your boat will sink, there's no reason why the camera should go down (and die) with you.

Below: trees blowing in the wind.

IMG_3216, originally uploaded by socs.

Even street signs are carved on the Ivatan stone houses

IMG_3224, originally uploaded by socs.

Photo below is at the same are where most of our first posted Batanes photos were taken. Francis has done a great job taking photos that time and I was too shocked to take anymore afterwards.

IMG_3277, originally uploaded by socs.

Me with a traditional Ivatan basket. The lady in the photo was kind enough to show an ignoramus like me how to properly wear and use it. Photo by Allan Vistan.

IMG_3363, originally uploaded by socs.

Sabtang Lighthouse

The minute I caught a glimpse of this lighthouse when we were out on sea I focused on it. I just kept thinking 'we're almost there, we're almost there'. While reviewing these photos though, the lighthouse reminded me of this photo I took while in The Netherlands.

IMG_3508, originally uploaded by socs.

Batanes Day 2 - Around the Island of Batan (part 2 of 2)

(The photos posted here belong to the same Batanes Day 2 set...I felt compelled to make this as "Part 2" just to highlight some photos of the wonderful sights)

Marlboro Country

IMG_3073, originally uploaded by socs.

No horses, no cigarettes...just rolling hills and a vast expanse of grazing grounds that offer (more) breathtaking views of the surrounding areas. Ate Remy, our tour guide, told us that this was a public area where people can take their herd hang out. That explains the abundance of, er, fertilizer.

If I were cattle, I would love to graze here....weeds + winds + view = natural high! ;)

Valugan Bay

IMG_3186, originally uploaded by socs.

I will admit to a little favoritism...there were other stops between Marlboro Country and Valugan Bay BUT my fiance did mention he considered proposing here....so I'm going straight to this site. Beachfront and filled with huge rocks...its not ideal for a walk on the beach, but perfect for shots like that above. The location is also suitable for sunrise photoshoots --- which we attempted a few days later.

Batanes Day 2 - Around the Island of Batan (part 1 of 2)

The photos below are only a selection of a handful found on my flickr gallery. I highly recommend viewing most of the flickr photos large to appreciate them more :)

Up Early for Day 2

This was the official start of touring the island. We woke up bright and early to prepare breakfast and buy fish for the evening's meal since we would be out most of the day. Allan was intent on buying Flying Fish which could be found in markets in Basco. What we didn't know was that most of the fishermen were set to return from Sabtang and most of the fish would be available late in the day. Luckily enough, we found a young boy selling some in one street corner a block or two from the wet market and we were all set.

IMG_2783, originally uploaded by socs.


Our first stop: Mahatao viewdeck

IMG_2801, originally uploaded by socs.

Driving from Basco town proper to Mahatao gave us great views of the sea and a pretty good idea of the Batanes landscape. We stopped at Mahatao Viewdeck where you could take photos of waves crashing against rocks and against the hillsides. From the viewdeck there were steps leading down towards the sea, giving us a closer view and experience of the water.

Possibly the most photographed local

Lola Ida (and I hope I remembered her name right...yaiks) has graced many tourists' albums of Batanes trips. Her home has been turned into a regular stop for all touring the island and she has, in her home, some traditional clothing and what not that would give people an idea of how locals live. I was more intent on taking a good photo of her and in the process, learned that it is indeed her home and that she has one son and one grandson who live in the neighboring houses. She has also candidly informed me that sometimes some tourists ask her to pose for some pictures but she already had difficulty moving around. I, of course, didn't want her in some unnatural pose, so I just kept talking to her while shooting.

Her portraits would probably be in my list of all-time favorite portraits...granted mine probably isn't unique, but its still mine :p

IMG_2845, originally uploaded by socs.

Song-Song Ruins

Also known as the "Ghost Town", ruined by a Tsunami from years ago. Remnants of old stone houses still remain by the sea, although what surprised me was that a few meters from the ruins are new houses were families live. I had thought they would move farther away from the sea because of that incident, but I suppose they prefer to be closer to the water.

The surrounding areas were our first close look at a landscape that had a beach on one side and hills on the other. Sounds like a common landscape in the Philippines? Thats because I can't really describe how this area looks like. I couldn't even capture it appropriately on photos. Basta, maganda. 'Nuff said.

IMG_2971, originally uploaded by socs.

Batanes Day 1 - finally!

up high, originally uploaded by socs.

After months of waiting and after the original flight being cancelled to a day later, we finally made it to Batanes!

Day 1 was nice and leisurely --- we used the time to familiarize ourselves with the surroundings and we found Basco Lighthouse. It would be the site of more than one day's attempt at capturing what we hoped would be a breathtaking sunset.

Click on the photo above to see the rest of Day 1 photos and Day 2 photos to follow in the next day (or so :p)

thoughts on my return

Today is my third day back at work since my Manila vacation, and I feel even more like a stranger to this city than I did before. I had thought that when I come back, I'd be ready to start really living here --- I would furnish my apartment so it would look more like home, I would find things to keep me preoccupied and that would allow me to meet people and I would allow myself to fall into a routine.

I don't think that's about to happen anytime soon though.

My trip home has reinforced what I had known even before I left -- I wanted to move only if I weren't moving alone otherwise, I wanted to stay home.

Of all the times I've left Manila, my last departure was the most difficult. I didn't want to go, and it was stronger than it was when I first came here. Probably because I already knew what to expect, and I knew that what was waiting for me here was not really worth looking forward to.

But the reality is, it doesn't matter if that was what I wanted. The bottom line, is that I needed to come back here if I wanted to live the life I want to start living in Manila. Every month that I stay here is one more good foundation for my future.

Three days after my arrival, I'm finding that I'm still a stranger to this place, and this place is still a stranger to me. Its getting what it needs from me and I'm getting what I need from it, no more no less. I can only hope it changes even just a little soon...god knows things will be much easier to accept if I feel more comfortable and more at ease when I'm here.

the Batanes incident

I've waited almost 9 years for a chance to see Batanes, around 4 years for my very own good quality DSLR + UWA lens and 4 months until I return home. When all of it finally happened, I didn't expect that I would have along with them, a story that will always lack the actual emotions I felt during that time and someone I will officially spend the rest of my life with.

Salamat sa lahat ng well wishers...I hope you excuse this burst of mushy-ness :D

(My photos from the trip to follow in the next few days)

:)

We're ready to come home

Ready for Paddy's Day

culinary attempt # 1

I am not a good cook. Just because I used to make the usual sinigang,nilaga,chopsuey and sinigang at home does not mean I can cook. In fact, ever since I messed up the potato wedges when we were in cyprus -- and since Allan has been making fun of me ever since --- I've shied away from cooking for other people.

However, since I promised my Italian officemates that I'd try to cook something for them, I told myself that I have to practice and learn. I decided one sunday afternoon that I would try and make something I've never made before but have always been curious to try. I looked up recipes for a chicken pastel and prepared for an afternoon of messing up my kitchen.

The verdict:
1. When making anything that has some form of crust, its always good to stick to the recipe.
2. When the recipe doesn't look right, watching TV shows and paying attention helps to identify if something will turn up the way it should.
3. I need more practice.
4. For a first-timer, I think my attempts were not at all bad :)

Photos of my creation (which I didn't share with anyone because I was too afraid someone might end up with food poisoning -- so I threw out most of it a few days later)

happy note

Bear has a new playmate...tests shots from Allan's site.

weekends

Of the 168 hours in a seven day week, the only ones I really look forward to are Saturday and Sunday mornings. Because then I have access to the net and so does he. Neither of us have to work and we can spend time talking about everything and nothing. But as soon as it starts,it also gets closer to the end...

Saturday and Sunday afternoons are worse of all times...the time difference kicks in and I'm left alone to ponder yet again what on earth I'm doing here.

something worth blogging

An update to my neglected blog...how apt that its something I really want to share with those who care enough to know...

Paracord

Exploring Dublin (hopefully the first of many)

reflections, originally uploaded by socs.

I need to go into the habit of shooting...and to start it off, I ventured out today in some parts of the City that I haven't been to yet. Took photos, walked around, took some more photos and did some more walking...as a result, I have a handful of almost decent shots I'm willing to share. Most are from Christ Church and inside Trinity College, with an added photo from a street march for Palestine and Joel trying out some toys from a favorite music shop.

Please visit my flickr gallery for more.