blog!!!!!

yun lang.

My reasons are selfish.

I keep you because with you I see the best side of me,
In you, I see who I want to be.
Through you, I live the life I can only imagine living.

With you I can believe myself to be
anything
and everything.

Except maybe who you want me to be.

remembering when

..I posted a few lines from Sleeps with Butterflies. I promised then that I would buy the CD as soon as I get home.
I have the CD and I've never been happier!

Airplanes take you away again
Are you flying above where we live
Then I look up a glare in my eyes
Are you having regrets about last night
I'm not but I like rivers that rush in so then I dove in
Is there trouble ahead for you the acrobat
I wont push you unless you have a net.

You say the word you know I will find you
Or if you need some time I dont mind
I dont hold on to the tail of your kite
I'm not like the girls that you've known
But I believe I'm worth coming home to
Kiss away night
This girl only sleeps with Butterflies
with Butterflies so go on and fly boy

Balloons look good from on the ground
I fear with pins and needles around
We may fall then stumble upon a carousel
It could take us anywhere

.....
I'm not like the girls that you've known
But I believe I'm worth coming home to
Kiss away night
This girl only sleeps with butterflies
with butterflies
with butterflies
so go on and fly boy

petty quarrel

My brother and I had a fight yesterday. Nothing major really. It was just him worried about something and asking (too insistently) me about it, and me -- I dont know actually...one minute I was trying to explain it to him and before I realized it, I was crying!
And this was while we were at the store, in a public place, with my parents within earshot and within sight, as well as my brother's kids. I honestly dont know why I cried. It was really, really, really nothing major.

I remember thinking about work and some personal issues prior to the conversation though. So maybe even before we started to talking, I was already affected by what I was thinking about? But..I dont know. It was weird. I wrote it off to PMS though. What else could it be?

Needless to say, I dont like having fights with family members. AND needless to say, my kuya and I are okay again. He actually even shined my boots last night...my below-the-knee boots at that! haha! I love my family.

stress relief

Vianney and allan asked me to answer the question below...when you have time to spare and nothing else to blog...well, why not?

Things I enjoy when no one around me wants to go out and play /
What lowers my stress/blood pressure/anxiety level

1. Television. In my opinion, I dont watch enough TV. I dont have my own set in my room (used to, but then, well..long story). SO on those miraculous days when I am just at home and not doing anything (or refusing to do anything), I watch TV. Doesnt everybody?

2. OD. I have an addiction to coke and chippy. Coca Cola okay, and not the "other substance". Coke + Chippy = Couch Potato heaven (I can hear the sizzle of newly opened coke being poured onto a glass of ice...oooh...lovely.

3. Sleep. No explanation needed.

4. Read. This reminds me, I am in need of a good, thick book that will keep my mind of other Socs-initiated thoughts. But as for what kind of books I like, its the same with poetry....I dont know what I like, I just know it when I start reading it.

5. Write. What can I say? Writing, to this phantom, is as vital as breathing. And so are handy notebooks for that matter. When I am not near my laptop, I have to have somewhere to jot down my thoughts.


So there. The list is short because, well, I usually just find anyone and anything to do outside the house when I'm bored. I'm an introvert who loves to be outdoors. Being at home makes me feel like I'm missing out on something exciting, something I should be experiencing. Hence, my indoor activities are stripped to basics: the usual things people do when indoors and/or household chores.

When Ts come

I guess its easy to tell from previous posts that I have been really pre occupied with work lately. There's so many new things that I have to learn, new responsibilities to deal with, new people to work with topped with the usual stuff that someone with my job would do. Last night I went home drained, tired and terrified. I had just finished almost re-doing a piece of work at 1/4 the time it would usually take to finish it, with people waiting to receive it in another side of the world. I went to sleep dreaming about what could go wrong while they were testing it and I woke up dreading to read my mail to read about what actually happened.

When I got to work (early I might add, considering I havent been that early since I got back and that I left the previous night at an ungodly hour), I opened up my mail and found the dreaded email.

As expected, it was there. What was unexpected was that nothing major went wrong! I had braced myself for another stressful day and another sleepless night, and possibly a non-existent weekend that I didn't know how to deal with the incredibly joyous realization that nothing went wrong.

So I did what was natural...I cried. I cried out of relief, out of stress currently running through my system and stress still contained. I have never cried before because of work...to top it off, I rarely cry in front of other people. My office friend was so surprised to see me cry --- and over work of all things!

All of a sudden I remembered why crying is considered therapeutic. So many held up emotions are released when you do, and somehow you can breathe a little more easily.

My work challenges are not yet over, in fact, I know that there are more to come. I suppose I'll have to just take them all one at a time, and if need be, one tearful moment at a time.

taking time to breathe

With the exception of the first few days I had away from work when I got back, I have not had time to sit still. I've been swept up in a whirlwind of work, new responsibilities, pressure from home, pressure from myself and so many other confusing events that I cannot believe its only been three weeks since I got back.

Three weeks pa lang! Already it feels like its been three months, and Netherlands seem like it was such a long time ago.

Things at home are changing, even my friends are individually going through changes....Renee has resigned, Grache too has resigned and is out of the country, April and Macel are in new jobs and have moved out of Yulo....

As for me, well some things have changed, and there are some that remain the same. I remain as stubborn as I've always been about some aspects of my life. Funny how knowing doesnt necessarily mean doing...

My five minutes are up. Time to go back to work...

musical baton

pusangpalaboy passed me this some days (weeks?) back...I think its time to carry on the "musical tradition"..hence:

Total volume of music files on my computer
A measly 1Gig! But then again, I AM at work (excuses excuses)...I have CDs, not mp3s...and event hen, I dont really have an extensive CD collection...
uh, why was I passed this baton again? :p

The last CD I bought
Tori Amos' latest album, The Beekeeper
Cynthia Alexander's latest album, Comet's Tail

Song playing right now
Comet's Tail has been playing over and over since last week, right now I'm listening to the second track yet again, Thioviolight

Five songs I listen to a lot, or that mean a lot to me
Ghost by Indigo Girls
Black by Pearl Jam
What You Are by Audioslave
Moving by Kjwan
Alone by Cynthia Alexander

Hmmm...if I have to explain why, well, they mean a lot to me! Wow what an explanation harhar...I dont know...I'm a words + music kind of person, the beat has to match the words for me to really go crazy over the song. Don't know what I mean? Listen to any of those songs on my list!

Five people to whom I’m passing the baton
Lets see...
cherrychixx
teedge
yellowadidas
jeng
jill

orange.attic.yellow.

A few nights ago, I faced the inevitable: spending the night again in my own room. I know I've been home for quite some time already, but I've always just been using my parents room since they were away most of the time. But when the time came, I felt a wonderful sense of finally, really, coming home.

There, amidst my orange plastic flowers hanging from the uneven attic ceiling, the spirit of who I have always been remain. The books and journals stacked up and filling up my shelves are the same ones that bore witness (and continue to, still) to all thoughts and aspirations --- childish or otherwise --- that I have always had. My oversized bed gave the same refuge and comfort that it has consistently offered me from my days as a procrastinating student. And yes, the three white-washed closet doors still hold clothes that reveal how often my weight has fluctuated these past years, and how often I have rummaged within, complaining that I have nothing to wear.

And there is one thing that remains ever consistent -- I still have the same tendency to put my room last among all rooms in the house. My shelves still need thorough dusting, my floors need waxing, my cabinets need re-organizing. I've given my energy to the other rooms in the house these past weeks, I dont have that much left for mine.

My room speaks of who I am. It knows who I am, who I was and can probably answer my nagging questions of who I will be more accurately than I can. It knows how to be who I am...it knows how it is to be disregarded somewhat and saved for last by the same people it holds dear.

The art of isolating a single thread of thought has always been something I could not master. At one point I had considered it to be a trait similar to multi-tasking: an ability to process several things in less time than expected. But as with everything that is not thoroughly dealt with, each single thread processed simultaneously with others do not enjoy the quality of being thoroughly attended to. Thus I have vowed to learn how to slice apart one chunk of thought into several fragments, and to treat each with as much pampering and processing as I possibly can. And it begins today, with this lone entry on my new vow which I will endeavor to keep.