I feel it...the way everything unwanted but inevitable makes itself felt...slowly but surely.
Its a headless monster with arms reaching for me, threatening to strangle me.
Its a leering, eerie face mask laughing at me -- with holes for eyes and a cavernous dark pit for a mouth.
Its emptiness and blank pages and thoughtlessness. I feel a writer's block coming my way.

groupie-ness

I've never been this close to an actual rockstar...

...The official (and original) Fans of Jose, SPL MLA Chapter.

a thought.

I dont really have rules, but what I'm looking for are exceptions to the rule.

And that makes it more complicated than it already is.

ironic, don't you think?

Ironically, the MRT, which happens to be my main mode of transportation, is now open until midnight, just when we're moving out of QC.

I've also developed a really bad case of phobia since the resurgence of noisy (and scary!) dogs that ply our street. So even if I could take the train, the walk from the station to my house means a lot dog-related risky business.

Even if there arent any dogs, midnight means darker streets and possibly even less people in that dark stretch of 11th jamboree outside GMA.

Oh well. Its an option at least. And something that I think a lot of commuters would appreciate.

remembering Friday

Last Friday night I was determined to head off to Saguijo's to catch Cynthia's gig. I didn't even ask around on who would want to go, it just so happened that Jenny asked me what my plans were and she wanted to go too. But alone or otherwise, I still would have headed off to the venue.

Since gigs tend to start late, we watched a movie first. Bewitched since I like Nicole Kidman. It was a fully booked night actually, we had invitations from people to watch Rockestra (which I heard was good) and also Chicosci at Big Sky Mind. I insisted on staying in the Makati area, since SaGuijo's was my priority. So off to G4 for the movie.

And then came SaGuijo!!!! We were there at a relatively early time of 1030, parked the car and proceeded to the entrance. I asked the people there who were playing (although I knew it was Cynthia + 2 other groups). So they listed off three groups....AND CYNTHIA WASNT ONE OF THEM!!!

Shocked, I asked, or stammered, or demanded ( I honestly dont know which anymore)..."What about Cynthia?"....
and they said she had to cancel because she was sick.
And then I started feeling like I too, was getting sick. To be accurate, I was recovering from a bout of cough and colds, but I felt like I was having a relapse.

No Cynthia. Her last gig that I saw was pre-Melbourne. And Melbourne was 2 years ago.

So we backed out. And we had to call the others to go to the other gig.
Dumbstruck, we made our way to QC. Getting lost in San Juan in the process, and finding several One Ways and No Left Turns along the way.

But we made it to Big Sky. And my night was salvaged. There seven or eight of us there from work, with our officemate-by-day-drummer-by-night band member, Jose. Sometime during the night we started kidding around and started asking him for autographs, and making him pose for pictures with us too...

He was a good sport, refusing the autograph requests and probably thinking we were crazy for the photo ops. But it was all in good fun.
At 230 AM we called it a day/night/week and left. I was disappointed since I havent had my Cynthia fix, but happy since we had fun at the Chicosci gig. Would've been better if idol Jose sang backup though. Oh and it was Boyband night too. hahaha!

I wanted to do a little backtracking before i posted another entry today, so I went back to last year's post.
This day last year, I posted my favorite poem of all time.
Maybe I can turn this into an August 19 tradition?
Hence.... Gift.

EDIT: I noticed too, that it was Grache who left a comment in that entry...miss ya girl!! *hug* now who am I gonna dance with when the girls and I go clubbing??? :(

in the absence of words

I will post photos instead...

I have made a habit out of bugging Sumi at weird hours of the day.

One time I even forced her to take our picture because...

well, no reason. Except that I was bored that time.

And then there was Girl's Night out.

It was a rainy evening when we decided (quite accurately) to stay in for the night. We headed

off to Sumi's pad to partake of food and drinks galore. We had originally

planned to bring in lots of alcohol....we ended up having more instead.

The night ended at 4 in the morning interestingly enough.

both photos are from sumi :)

its a bit late, but here's my I LOVE TEA mug, which previously only used to hold coffee or water.
now it really holds tea as well.

and its not just the angle from which the photo was taken, it really IS a big mug :)

photo courtesy of allan vistan

what? no coffee??

At my brother's insistence, I am TEMPORARILY giving up coffee and will be going for *gasp* tea instead.

He insisted that my repeated flu attacks along with my weird stomach pains that appear out of nowhere and are gone just as quickly, are symptoms of me having too much toxins in my body.

Of course I did put up quite a fight, saying that I got it from someone who has the cold, that the weather's been really bad and that I've been tired these past few weeks...

But then I had to admit he was right. How can I not have too many toxins in me anyway?

So as a baby step -- that pains me immensely, mind you -- I have opted to fill up my I LOVE TEA mug with exactly that, TEA.


At least I still won't suffer from caffeine withdrawal symptoms.

I confess to moments of "insanity".

Often, when I am alone and with nothing to keep me preoccupied, I revert to thinking. And dealing with my "personal demons". That keeps this blog, well, varied somewhat.

I just had a thought....as I was about to write a sentence describing my thoughts as "weird", I asked myself what is so weird with what I think.

Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
I am only human after all.

Thoughts from Friday night, August 10, 2005

I had a weird idea. It came to me as I was heading home, on a taxi with my mom. I had the sudden urge to contact someone I had "lost touch" with. I had a curiosity attack. Knowing what I know now, and having been through what I have been through, I wanted to know how it would be. The circumstances would have changed, and the points of views would have been altered already.

I had a fleeting image of myself in that meeting, watching myself as if I were another person. I wanted that kind of detachment. I wanted to see that detachment if I had gone ahead and met up with that person.

But I didn't go through with it. Looking back now, I think it was best that I didnt. It would not have done me any good.

And then I had another idea.

I remembered my fee miles from PAL and half formulated a plan to just find out where they fly, and fly myself there. It has to be somewhere I have never been. Somewhere I have yet to explore. And it has to be somewhere where I know someone so I can crash.

I am your slave...

I was planning on posting something I wrote the other night. But that will have to wait.

Because I got caught up in the Audioslave heat again.

A very resourceful officemate found live performances by Audioslave...and the most interesting part about it is they performed some Soundgarden and Rage Against the Machine songs.

Listening to them made me wish I were there, live, caught up in the music and the raw energy that is inevitable from such an explosive group.

Drown me slowly, enclose me...

Drown me slowly, enfold me...

sometimes I wish I were a girl

A RICH girly-girl.

I'd like to live my life knowing that the next time I look for something to wear, I can actually choose according to my mood, and not according to what clothes I have available.

I'd like to feel what its like to choose just one piece of clothing and be confident that I'll find something else that goes with it, shoes, bags, jeans, pants, accessories...anything!

I'd like to own shoes in the same style but in different colors. AND have belts and bags to match those shoes.

I'd like to be able to afford having someone do my nails every two weeks on a regular basis. I'd like to rush of to a favorite body salon and have my hair waxed off....see, there are a couple of them growing already...and yeah, its been four weeks since my last wax. Its time to have another one.

I'd like to complain about not having the latest "in" makeup product and then go out and buy it.

I'd like to be able to giggle and laugh and pout and have people react as if I were a precious piece of china instead of have them say I look ridiculous and that I'm overreacting. Other girls get away with it, why not me?

that whining business

The way I see it, whining is but normal. After all, we are all only human. At one point or another, we would feel frustrations, regret or if you're female, PMS. These may cause all of us to whine and complain and air out our oh-so-sad fate.

But what I choose to do is whine only to those who know me. Or at least only to a selected few at a time. I do not air out all my complaints and sob stories to those who have no wish to hear them. I know that letting the wrong kind of people hear can result to reactions such as this. Irritation and bitchy-ness. My reaction to THAT.

I dont know you that well, so I admit that there are things I dont know. My view on your point of view is limited. Hence, I have to reach the conclusion that you are whining only because you seek attention you so desperately need.

Oh please. Don't complain about the choices you made because in the first place, YOU chose to do that. YOU gave your final word. Sure, you may have made a mistake when you did so, but bottom line is YOU LEAD YOURSELF TO MAKE THAT MISTAKE. Now deal with it like an adult.

Think of me as a bitch if it makes you happy. But believe me, I WONT regret having aired out this point of view.

I know what I'm doing and I know what I'm thinking. Don't make me like you.

these men are gods

Their first album marked the end of a rather lengthy period of not buying a rock group's album. Now with the second album, I know I finally have another favorite band that will stay with me for a lifetime.

Audioslave is absolutely the best. I've been waiting for a band like this for a long time.

I WANT ONE TOO!!!

Its not every day that a girl gets to hold

one of these hot ones and spend

an entire hour with 'em.

Today I was one of the

lucky ladies who got to hold a 20D

and pretend I owned him for

a few hours.

An officemate owns this handsome fella.

I'm quite certain I look a bit green

in the photo.

*sigh*

I have to get Buddy one of them grips.

I'm sure he'll be just as hot.

(But I still want one of those!!!!!!!)

what once was

When I started this blogging business I knew that someday I would have enough history kept within this blog that might potentially become both amusing and bittersweet depending on the entry and my mood when I return to them.

This afternoon I finally had the chance to look back and re read some of my first entries.

I was smiling to myself most of the time, especially when my entries were more on the serious side of things. I found it even more heartwrenching when I realized that some of the things I wrote down are no longer applicable.

Aaaah..the things that I were thinking about, the things that I got myself into.... I think my crash and burn beliefs are well worth considering. I find that even though some things may be missing now, I have other memories that make up for it.

I'll keep it vague, but most of what I wrote down, I am happily acknowledging are finally "N/A". It took a while, but it has happened. What I had hoped for and what I had imagined would happen, DID. And there were no fireworks, no loud trumpets blaring to signal its onset.

I have only this immense satisfaction in knowing that I survived, and that I emerged. Marked maybe, but not disabled. Happily alive and happily wiser.

Now I await my next adventure.
Crash and Burn, baby. That is THE way to go.

template thief!

I'm stealing the template I used for the core blog because...

because I love how this looks!

my links are not up yet, neither is my tagboard, but then traffic is slow here anyway so there shouldn't be any complaints.

hmm..the blog title looks a bit crowded on the upper left hand side though.
maybe I should change the blog name? NOT.

once a phantom, always a phantom ;-)

work update: slow still.
panic update: the slow work is not yet sinking in. tomorrow, I will panic and work like crazy. promise!

okay so today seems like blog-athon day for me.

sssshhh now...I know I should be working...but then...

You Are Vanilla Ice Cream

Your personality is anything but "vanilla" You're a risk taker, who's up for anything new. You go well with anyone and fit into any situation. You are most compatible with rocky road ice cream.

What Flavor Ice Cream Are You?

"What's in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other word would smell as sweet"

when i started working years ago, I insisted on using my nickname.

but then of course, my first job required communicating via email to foreign customers...so they had me use "Maria" to sign off my email messages.

so I was formally "Maria" for the five months that I worked there. Although of course, everyone at work call me "Socs".

and then I went to work for another company and again, I insisted on using my nickname. Even with email directed to foreign counterparts, I was "Socs". Sure, they thought it weird, and they probably can't say it right without being reminded of a foot garment. But I persisted on using it.

On my most recent trip though, it all changed. I was "Socorro". Before I got there, that was the name they knew I had...while I was there they addressed me as such...even when I left, I was "Socorro". My Spanish colleague sure got a kick out of that. Imagine her approaching me with a question imploring "Socorro! Socorro!" (and if you dont get it, ask me sometime).

And then yesterday when I sent out an email to yet another foreign counterpart, I was surprised that I automatically signed it using my full second name.

God does this really mean I'm getting old?!?

My mom would love this. She's always loved my name. Now she's waiting until they all use both my first AND second names.

My point? Nothing. I go by many names. And so do most Filipinos. So shoot me.

old and outdated...

...or maybe not. i'm not sure really.

but anyway,i found this entry in my little notebook i carry with me. Dated June 21, 2005:

I had dinner with one of my dearest friends last night, and somehow our conversation drifted towards travel and immigration. So many people we know are leaving or have left with very understandable reasons. Their reasons would be ours too, only we don't have it in us to leave.

This made me think of my reasons for not wanting to go.
There is the fear factor of course, moving to a different country with a different culture, language, traditions in an entirely different surrounding topped with the pressure of the difficulties of work or finding a new job, a place to live speaks of one chaotic mess.

And then of course there's the finance side of things. Leaving means having the means to support yourself for the time that you're still finding a job, or at least until you have that paycheck. I would have to have something to live off on while I attempt to kick-start my new life. But then again, other people with far less have done it, and they have survived, are surviving....So why won't I???
There has to be some other reason for not wanting to go. ...And I do have that reason, one thats so silly and impractical and somewhat selfish that is both believable and unbelievable -- depending on how well you know me.

My reason I suppose is ME. Myself and what I am and what I yearn for. I am looking for something. Something that is so common it can be found anywhere. But being who I am, I would rather that I find it here. Its that valuable to me that I choose to wait it out here and not anywhere else. I have been asking myself who I am and who I would like to be so much lately that I realized that this is something that means a lot to me. And the things that you value most govern the things that you do, and the things that you do define your character and who you ultimately ARE. In short, my reason is that I am myself and what I am waiting for is here. And it is worth waiting for.

Hence until someone or something changes my mind about this, or until I find what I'm looking for, I shall stay put and keep my feet planted firmly on Filipino soil.