Move.

When you stand still in one place for too long, you risk having weeds grow around you.  

That's really a terrible analogy, especially for me since I know nothing about gardening.  But what I really wanted to say was that I have moved blogs.  For a while now.  Allan and I are over at http://allanandsocs.wordpress.com

I had intended to write this post so that anyone who may have visited or still visit this site can be redirected accordingly, if they wanted to.  What I didn't expect was that I'd miss this blog.  I've had this for a while, and I'm glad its not going anywhere.  It's nice to look back and remember all the mix of stuff I've written over the years.

But everyone moves on...and since blogs are manifestations of ourselves, we project them on our blogs too and they too, must move on.  

So friends, if you find yourself here and you intended to look back, enjoy.  However, if you found yourself here looking for the latest, please head on over tohttp://allanandsocs.wordpress.com

Allan and I will be waiting to welcome you there :)

two years in Dublin!

A (half) pint of Guinness with the usual suspects on a Monday night to commemorate two years of living in Dublin. After holidays alone, an engagement, a funeral, two weddings, weight gain-loss-gain and several long haul flights, it was fitting to just sit, drink and look back.

My Easter Day.

Easter Mass

I went to mass earlier than usual today, knowing that the special Easter mass in the pro-cathedral was at 11am.  I was particularly looking forward to the Palestrina choir which I've read is supposedly very good.  What greeted me when I got to the church were little pink booties tied to the railings of the church and people with videocameras and protest signs.  There were protesters who were there to express grief and anger over the child abuse reports linked with the Catholic Church.  I've found an online news story for it as well:
http://breakingnews.ie/ireland/abuse-protest-at-easter-sunday-mass-452646.html

It did dampen my Easter spirits a little bit, especially when the ceremony was disrupted by a few minutes when someone walked in in the middle of mass.  However, I understand the anger.  I just hope that people realize that what happened were sins (and yes, crime) committed by another human being.  No one in the Church is perfect and anyone who claims to be has to be doubted.  I just wish that people stop abusing each other, verbally and by any other means (did you read about the churchgoer verbally abusing one of the protesters? And I take offense over the fact that I disgust someone because I go to mass --- I don't support child abuse and I am not doing so by practicing my faith. )

Easter Brunch

After mass I figured I might as well walk around a bit since I already was outside anyway.  A bit of exploring led me to one of the restaurants that I've read about which apparently serves a mean Brunch.  Odessa was just a few apartments away from the main street where we usually walk.  I was pleasantly surprised that their Brunch menu varies from vegetarian breakfast, to full on Bacon-Eggs-and-other-goodies.  I ordered something in the middle, a nice Smoked Salmon Eggs Benedict and of course, a cup of coffee.  The restaurant was packed with families and friends brunching together, along with some couples, but dining alone has never been a problem for me, so I didn't mind being alone and sitting in the middle of the far wall.

The price was a bit too steep for Eggs Benedict...but much much MUCH cheaper than Tavern on the Green in NYC and probably just as yummy.  Definitely a must-visit place again for me.

Window Shopping

A few blocks from where I ate was Grafton Street, Dublin's premiere shopping street.  Since most of the shops were closed, I had a small selection of stores to visit.  Brown Thomas was open and I've been telling myself that I should buy better quality clothes, specifically, better quality shoes.  I took the opportunity to see what was in this really high end, designer-laden department store's shoe section.  And then it happened....

I found myself drawn to a beautiful pair of shoes, the kind of I've only seen in magazines and websites, the kind that hollywood royalty wear to red carpet events.  It was a pair of Christian Louboutin peep toes.   Sleek, shiny and beautiful. I held up one shoe in my hand to examine, and I'm certain I must've looked like I was in awe.  I turned it and saw the price tag.  435 EUROS.  Strictly speaking, I could probably afford it.  And if I were serious about quality shoes, then this would be the most serious pair I can buy.  A pair of designer shoes were actually reachable.

But let's be honest.  That much money can probably feed an entire family for at least a week.  It just isn't right.  I've never been comfortable spending a lot of money shopping for myself, I don't think that will change soon.  Its just not...right.

So I put it back on the shelf and walked away....and glimpsed a section dedicated to Manolo Blahnik.  That was when I decided to leave and escape.  The shoes would be lovely, no doubt about that.  But I just can't surround myself with such beautiful expensive things and start to delude myself that it will be okay for me to own a pair.

Easter 2010 was the day I held something I've only seen on Sex and the City and realized I could. But its also the day I realized I can't.

Thoughts on turning 31.

Perhaps I've claimed that my life has been eventful before, I don't really remember.  But this past year deserves to go into my personal history as one that has definitely changed my life.

I have lost a father and gained a husband
I have left my home country and am attempting to find out where I am to establish myself next,
I have moved from a habit of escaping into a habit of staying in
I have stopped being comfortable with routine and started impatiently waiting
and my relationships moved from being strong with presence into being solidified in absence.

I can make this day-after-birthday post into a rant about wanting the waiting to stop so that this new phase in my life can begin but I must not.  Instead, I will focus on being grateful for having family and friends who love and support me here and from miles away.

 I am blessed to have a family that have allowed me to be free and let me choose the path I will take.  They have not allowed fear to interfere with what I can accomplish and have even encouraged me when I first toyed with the idea of exploring lands beyond what we've always known as home.

I am blessed to have nieces and nephews who look to me as a parent, an aunt and (hopefully) a friend.

I am blessed to have friends who don't need me to tell them every single detail of my life, because they already know who I am deep down and they will support me and hold me up no matter where I may end up.

I am blessed to have new old friends who are willing to be my family now that that I am far from home.

I am blessed to have a partner who will extend love and support even through the distance, who accepts that I am not perfect, and that I will be weak and strong, independent and needy at the same time and that through it all, we will continue to work at our lives and ourselves.

I am blessed and for that, I am grateful.

starting again.

It never fails. Everytime something changes, be it where I am or the state that I am in, I always find myself going back to the beginning. I always to have to pick up from where I think I left off. And its never easy. There are always roadblocks preventing me from keeping things going.

Lately I've been feeling like I'm becoming such a mess. Its harder to find the strength to be the best version of me. I don't know if its age or lack of motivation, but its harder to get going again. I keep thinking, I've done this before, why did things have to happen to make me start all over?

But I have to be honest. Most of the reasons why I had to step back was because of my decisions as well. I decided to move and therefore I must deal with starting from scratch. Its ironic really, that which actually gives me more room to move is also hindering me from getting things going. I'm trying, I really am....but I need help. I need my moral support to be much closer to me. I need my motivation to be much more tangible.

I need to get my act together. Life keeps on going while I sit confused and overwhelmed.

thoughts on my return

Today is my third day back at work since my Manila vacation, and I feel even more like a stranger to this city than I did before. I had thought that when I come back, I'd be ready to start really living here --- I would furnish my apartment so it would look more like home, I would find things to keep me preoccupied and that would allow me to meet people and I would allow myself to fall into a routine.

I don't think that's about to happen anytime soon though.

My trip home has reinforced what I had known even before I left -- I wanted to move only if I weren't moving alone otherwise, I wanted to stay home.

Of all the times I've left Manila, my last departure was the most difficult. I didn't want to go, and it was stronger than it was when I first came here. Probably because I already knew what to expect, and I knew that what was waiting for me here was not really worth looking forward to.

But the reality is, it doesn't matter if that was what I wanted. The bottom line, is that I needed to come back here if I wanted to live the life I want to start living in Manila. Every month that I stay here is one more good foundation for my future.

Three days after my arrival, I'm finding that I'm still a stranger to this place, and this place is still a stranger to me. Its getting what it needs from me and I'm getting what I need from it, no more no less. I can only hope it changes even just a little soon...god knows things will be much easier to accept if I feel more comfortable and more at ease when I'm here.

the Batanes incident

I've waited almost 9 years for a chance to see Batanes, around 4 years for my very own good quality DSLR + UWA lens and 4 months until I return home. When all of it finally happened, I didn't expect that I would have along with them, a story that will always lack the actual emotions I felt during that time and someone I will officially spend the rest of my life with.

Salamat sa lahat ng well wishers...I hope you excuse this burst of mushy-ness :D

(My photos from the trip to follow in the next few days)

weekends

Of the 168 hours in a seven day week, the only ones I really look forward to are Saturday and Sunday mornings. Because then I have access to the net and so does he. Neither of us have to work and we can spend time talking about everything and nothing. But as soon as it starts,it also gets closer to the end...

Saturday and Sunday afternoons are worse of all times...the time difference kicks in and I'm left alone to ponder yet again what on earth I'm doing here.

those little things

the little joys...

It started with the handing over of the keys. It didn't matter that there were still men working on some parts of the apartment, hammering away. All I knew at that moment was that it was MY home. My first ever apartment at the (relatively) late age of 30. Independence in its truest form. I was literally jumping up and down minutes later from the excitement of it all.

Since then, it was one small thing after another: the blue plastic basket I bought to hold my cleaning materials, the little white jar to hold my kitchen utensils, the sets of tea towels for my kitchen, pillowcases, pillows, fitted sheets...its all the tiniest things that make me smile everytime I come home and unwrap them. Every single piece that I buy from my own pocket and place in my humble little flat is mine. And everytime I place them where I think they ought to go, I feel like I'm placing brick upon brick, building up a house.

This afternoon I made a quick trip to the city to excitedly buy a...wait for it...a Trash Bin! Oh yes, pretty cool huh? Argos has it at half price and I decided to buy it instead of the cheaper plastic alternative. I now have a metal bin with push-to-open door in matte black! Exciting times! heehee! I'm not being sarcastic by the way, I AM excited. Over a Trash bin! hahah!

...and the little frustrations

The flat has been far from perfect since I moved in. My living area heaters only started working last week, two weeks after I had reported them to my landlord. My kitchen sink had no hot water until last week as well, and I was locked out of my own living room because of a faulty door lock. My landlord's handyman had to come in on a Saturday and force it open with two or three shoves. It looked easier on television, for sure.

And then there's the issue of having too big furniture for too little space. I've moved them around four times in the three, almost four weeks, I've lived here. This morning, I started out by heating water for my coffee and ended up letting it get cold since I was moving the furniture around. I think I've found a better layout, for now. Of course that may change when I bring in more furniture.

And I need more furniture because I lack storage space. There are no shelves in my closet, none in the laundry area, none in the bathroom and nothing but the coffee table in the living room. These things I actually take with me when I sleep, and this morning, I was intent on maybe finding a different flat. Either that or spend for storage space. Right now, the addition of my trash bin together with the new layout has made me happy. I think I'll stay here 'til the end of next year.

Or at least until I grow frustrated again.

how do you like it here?

Do you like Dublin?

I've been asked this so many times in the three weeks that I've been here. To be honest, I don't quite know yet. And to be honest, does it even matter? I'm here for as long as I decide that I want to leave...does it matter if I like it or not? Even if I didn't, its not as if I would pack my bags and go back home. That's simply not an option in the short term.

In the next week I'm hoping that things will continue to fall into place, they way they have been in the past days. Slowly, I'm starting to really feel like I'm here for the long haul. However, long that may be. Slowly, I'm starting to make plans --- normal plans --- like what type of bath and laundry products to buy, what type of food to stock up on in order to cook whatever type of food. Slow...but progress still.

lost

I've been telling some people I feel lost lately. By that I don't mean "not knowing where I am". In fact, since I got here, I generally know where I am and where I'm supposed to be headed.

I just haven't been feeling like I know this is where I should be. I don't feel it. Yet. I don't sense that the place has opened its arms to me and welcomed me. I guess because I'm too far from where the "real city" is most of the time.

I hope that its only because I've only been here a week. It should get better when things are normal. It should get better when I can finally stock up on house items that I know I won't have to move out a few weeks later.

permanency is...

the existence of three very bad photographs that will stay on record forever.

milestone

Be forewarned: Long entry ahead...

Many moons ago, I picked up the old film SLR I didnt realize we had at home and started shooting with friends. Eventually, an SLR was on the list of my “Things to bring to work on a daily basis”, along with my wallet, cellphone and kikay kit.

When people I met in photography forums started talking about digital photography, I dreamed of owning my own DSLR someday. In the meantime, I concentrated on Aperture, Shutter and Composition. I never felt that I would go into Photography as a career primarily because unlike those around me, I never felt that the talent came naturally. It was something that I had to work hard on in order to achieve results. I argued that I was already working hard on programming skills for my day job, I think getting into another profession where I have to exert a lot of effort on 24/7 would drive me crazy. One at a time only please, one at a time.

So photography was the fun, creative learning part, whereas work was the more serious, learning part. Doing both eventually proved beneficial, as I finally bought my very own digital SLR, Buddy in 2004.

And then I started to really get older. By that I mean, I started getting more responsibilities at home. So Buddy never got any new playmates, save for a basic flash and a 28-105 lens, both secondhand. Ultra-wides were top of my “want” list, but I just couldnt get them...so again, I concentrated on taking my kit 300D and secondhand gear to wherever work took me and took as many photos as I can, however I can, the best that I can.

While all of this was happening, entry-level digital SLRs started popping out left and right, and I feared that Buddy would eventually go obsolete. I made the decision to sell Buddy, partly because I needed the finances, partly because I wanted to make sure that he still had value when I sell him and partly because I wanted to do something drastic to force me to upgrade. So Buddy went along with the kit lens and flash. And since then, I’ve never owned a camera.

Up until my 30^th birthday.

Its the single most expensive gift anyone (parents excluded) has ever given me. That, plus the fact that it IS the single most relevant gift that anyone can ever give me. I’ve never been able to replace Buddy because of so many reasons, yet I’ve always, always, always wanted to get myself a new DSLR. For the longest time, I would go to places and attend events and I would always feel that one thing was missing....my DSLR. In the year and a half without a camera, I fear I’ve lost the little talent I’ve worked so hard to acquire and I’ve always been fearful at the back of my mind that I no longer have a creative and fun bone in my body. Photography was my fun, creative, adventurous side. Without a camera, I am just your plain working girl. 9-to-5-or-so job on weekdays (and usually beyond) and Tita-turned-mommy-turned-household-help on weekends.

Now that I have this still unnamed new toy in my life, I can start re-learning photography again, I have reason to start exploring places that can be captured in photos, and I can re-learn how to see things differently again. I'd be starting from scratch, but I dont really mind. At least I'm starting from somewhere.

Thank you. You've turned my birthday into the milestone it really should be. With every photo I take, I will always be reminded of how much thought (and cash!) you've put into getting me this gift.

counting up: days 15 to 16

I will be honest, I feel betrayed.
After all these years, loyalty can be set aside just like that. On one hand, it can be argued that it isn't being ignored...there were just other choices to make.

But in the end, I feel like I have been discarded.
Just like that.
And I can't just shake this off that easily.

Everyone's just waiting to throw you away.
Everyone's just waiting for you to move on. I'm taking up valuable space it seems.

wondrous revelation

it still feels the same

about time

r.e.s.p.e.c.t.

here's what it means to me:
it means that after all these years, some things do not change.
those who had little respect for other people's time in the past still do not have it up to now. i can rant
about it all i want, directly to the person concerned. but really, its old. if my past pleas fell on deaf ears,
it will continue to do so. so i wont. and i wont hope that next time i'll get the respect i've
been asking for. i'll know what to expect and in expecting less, i'll be less disappointed.

if only you weren't such a dear friend, it wouldnt matter that much.
but you are, so this hurts.
BUT if you dont want to learn, then i dont want to teach.

standstill
on a happier note, allan and i went with verchie and JM and his japanese guests to Corregidor island
last sunday. here is one place that has been preserved beautifully...everything from World War II still stands. at least those that still can. the remains of barracks destroyed by war so long ago,
still remain in their skeletal glory, reminding everyone that once upon a time, courageous
heroes fought each other for what they believed in. who was wrong or right doesnt even matter.
the only thing that's important when their stories are heard is that they were brave and valiant
and did not let their fellowmen down.

the island itself is beautiful...facing the always wonderful waters that surround this country.
but it will never be a resort town, and i agree that it should never be. very few places in the philippines
are as preserved, untouched and well respected as this island. i hope more people will
visit corregidor and realize that we should be respecting our past and our natural habitat more.

running out.
there's very little left.
soon, things will change drastically...andi find myself just going with the flow like i always do.
i'm not ready but i have no choice but to be ready. for the first time,
i'm trying to look ahead and plan ahead...but its not easy when there are so many
other things to consider. "bahala na" just wont cut it this time.
and yet time's up, almost.
so now i dont know what to do.

this just in...

i have received word to expect it to be formalized soon...in roughly 48 hours.
from there it will be a slow and steady process until it is finally completed.

i've been waiting for this consciously for 2 and a half years and longer subconsciously, I suppose. and each time it moves forward and it draws closer, my knees shake a little and my heart pounds a little bit faster.

i need a moment to focus and remember that this is for the better.
that I need this.

i need to remind myself that it can be done
that I can do this on my own.

think positive.

Everytime I think of my blog entries, I always make a mental note to keep things positive next time. And everytime I blog out of the blue (the best way to blog, in my opinion), I usually end up forgetting that mental note and write not-so-happy entries.

So...before I even started writing down this new entry, that mental note magically made its presence felt like a post it in the middle of my laptop screen (or like a knot on the finger thats cutting off circulation). Therefore, I now have this to say:

What I'm looking forward to this weekend:

1. greater possibility of catching reruns of the cheesy shows I watch on cable
2. .....
3. ....
4. ...
5. ..
6. .

...the original list I had "pre-revision" was definitely longer.

all i hear is static

Its hard enough getting things across, but add noise and time difference to that and all you end up with is frustration.