two years in Dublin!

A (half) pint of Guinness with the usual suspects on a Monday night to commemorate two years of living in Dublin. After holidays alone, an engagement, a funeral, two weddings, weight gain-loss-gain and several long haul flights, it was fitting to just sit, drink and look back.

starting again.

It never fails. Everytime something changes, be it where I am or the state that I am in, I always find myself going back to the beginning. I always to have to pick up from where I think I left off. And its never easy. There are always roadblocks preventing me from keeping things going.

Lately I've been feeling like I'm becoming such a mess. Its harder to find the strength to be the best version of me. I don't know if its age or lack of motivation, but its harder to get going again. I keep thinking, I've done this before, why did things have to happen to make me start all over?

But I have to be honest. Most of the reasons why I had to step back was because of my decisions as well. I decided to move and therefore I must deal with starting from scratch. Its ironic really, that which actually gives me more room to move is also hindering me from getting things going. I'm trying, I really am....but I need help. I need my moral support to be much closer to me. I need my motivation to be much more tangible.

I need to get my act together. Life keeps on going while I sit confused and overwhelmed.

thoughts on my return

Today is my third day back at work since my Manila vacation, and I feel even more like a stranger to this city than I did before. I had thought that when I come back, I'd be ready to start really living here --- I would furnish my apartment so it would look more like home, I would find things to keep me preoccupied and that would allow me to meet people and I would allow myself to fall into a routine.

I don't think that's about to happen anytime soon though.

My trip home has reinforced what I had known even before I left -- I wanted to move only if I weren't moving alone otherwise, I wanted to stay home.

Of all the times I've left Manila, my last departure was the most difficult. I didn't want to go, and it was stronger than it was when I first came here. Probably because I already knew what to expect, and I knew that what was waiting for me here was not really worth looking forward to.

But the reality is, it doesn't matter if that was what I wanted. The bottom line, is that I needed to come back here if I wanted to live the life I want to start living in Manila. Every month that I stay here is one more good foundation for my future.

Three days after my arrival, I'm finding that I'm still a stranger to this place, and this place is still a stranger to me. Its getting what it needs from me and I'm getting what I need from it, no more no less. I can only hope it changes even just a little soon...god knows things will be much easier to accept if I feel more comfortable and more at ease when I'm here.

how do you like it here?

Do you like Dublin?

I've been asked this so many times in the three weeks that I've been here. To be honest, I don't quite know yet. And to be honest, does it even matter? I'm here for as long as I decide that I want to leave...does it matter if I like it or not? Even if I didn't, its not as if I would pack my bags and go back home. That's simply not an option in the short term.

In the next week I'm hoping that things will continue to fall into place, they way they have been in the past days. Slowly, I'm starting to really feel like I'm here for the long haul. However, long that may be. Slowly, I'm starting to make plans --- normal plans --- like what type of bath and laundry products to buy, what type of food to stock up on in order to cook whatever type of food. Slow...but progress still.

lost

I've been telling some people I feel lost lately. By that I don't mean "not knowing where I am". In fact, since I got here, I generally know where I am and where I'm supposed to be headed.

I just haven't been feeling like I know this is where I should be. I don't feel it. Yet. I don't sense that the place has opened its arms to me and welcomed me. I guess because I'm too far from where the "real city" is most of the time.

I hope that its only because I've only been here a week. It should get better when things are normal. It should get better when I can finally stock up on house items that I know I won't have to move out a few weeks later.

permanency is...

the existence of three very bad photographs that will stay on record forever.