old and outdated...

...or maybe not. i'm not sure really.

but anyway,i found this entry in my little notebook i carry with me. Dated June 21, 2005:

I had dinner with one of my dearest friends last night, and somehow our conversation drifted towards travel and immigration. So many people we know are leaving or have left with very understandable reasons. Their reasons would be ours too, only we don't have it in us to leave.

This made me think of my reasons for not wanting to go.
There is the fear factor of course, moving to a different country with a different culture, language, traditions in an entirely different surrounding topped with the pressure of the difficulties of work or finding a new job, a place to live speaks of one chaotic mess.

And then of course there's the finance side of things. Leaving means having the means to support yourself for the time that you're still finding a job, or at least until you have that paycheck. I would have to have something to live off on while I attempt to kick-start my new life. But then again, other people with far less have done it, and they have survived, are surviving....So why won't I???
There has to be some other reason for not wanting to go. ...And I do have that reason, one thats so silly and impractical and somewhat selfish that is both believable and unbelievable -- depending on how well you know me.

My reason I suppose is ME. Myself and what I am and what I yearn for. I am looking for something. Something that is so common it can be found anywhere. But being who I am, I would rather that I find it here. Its that valuable to me that I choose to wait it out here and not anywhere else. I have been asking myself who I am and who I would like to be so much lately that I realized that this is something that means a lot to me. And the things that you value most govern the things that you do, and the things that you do define your character and who you ultimately ARE. In short, my reason is that I am myself and what I am waiting for is here. And it is worth waiting for.

Hence until someone or something changes my mind about this, or until I find what I'm looking for, I shall stay put and keep my feet planted firmly on Filipino soil.