I wonder how it feels like to fall from the 20th (or higher) floor of a building?
No I am not becoming suicidal. There's too much to miss if I die this young. I'm wondering. Would be anything like those dreams we have sometimes? You know the type where you wake up with a jolt because you were falling...the kind of dreams that some people say signifies that you're actually growing taller. Maybe...only multiply that 40 or 50 times. Oooh. Scary. So much for wanting to try sky diving, or even bungee jumping. I'm too much of a coward to do that.

Weeks ago I wrote something down that never quite made it to my blog.

That was around the same time when the work came piling in and I became preoccupied. But anyway, here it is. I can't quite relate to it anymore, well, not as much as I could at the time. I suppose it is due in part to the fact that I dont understand a single point I was trying to make. Bottom line is, I was a little messed up then. Shaken up. Incoherent. And in case I end up being and feeling like that one of these days again, I'll have my blog to come back to.

(written Jan 13, 2002)
I found myself unable to work at all today. I figure it must be because its Monday. Mondays are always slow days. Only today.....I don't think it's really slow....today was purely, simply unproductive. So maybe its not just because its Monday.

I admit it, something's up. I made a big mistake, now I'm paying for it. Work takes more effort just so I can concentrate. Nights seem shorter because I can't get enough sleep. I suppose I could say "I should've known better." but I DID know better. Only, I ignored those little voices from my very limited wisdom. Like all those times when logic told me to not do anything I shouldn't do, I ignored it. I ignored myself. My sane self. My logical self.

What is it about pure logic, pure pragmatism that turns people off? Specifically, me? Its ironic since I've always thought myself to be a practical person. Do I, at certain times/moments in my life forego my practicality? I obviously do. But for what? And when? What good does this do for me?

I guess the answer is, I'm really not a practical person. Whoever says that I am, do not know me well. And it probably goes to show that I don't know myself that well to actually even think I am practical. Thinking about it really, people just believe me when I tell them that I am. Truth be told, I am a very emotional person. I forego logic at the slightest hint of emotion. This is not to say that I do not possess logic. Only, that I choose to ignore it.

I believe that life is experienced fully when you crash and burn. And crashing and burning isnt practical. Its purely impulsive. Everything that comes after crashing and being burnt deals with emotion. You're left with all the markings, the spoils of war, the raw pain that comes with going through such an experience.

I believe in living life fully. Unfortunately, after living my life fully for just a few years, I find I am not left with just scars. I've been damaged. Real bad. I crashed and got burned (burnt?). Now I'm struggling to stay alive.

And this is my idea of living? Maybe I should rethink what I believe, otherwise I'll be left with more Mondays (and non-Mondays) as unproductive as today. And as incoherent.

The songs that suddenly find their way into your lives
are the songs that may have come from completely unexpected sources. A few weeks ago, someone told me about this Tori Amos (gasp!!! Tori Amos!!!) cover of a Stevie Nicks song. It became an instant hit among my very varied and very often played mp3 collection. Here are the words to my latest guaranteed-to-make-you-stop-coding song...

I took my love and I took it down
Climbed a mountain and turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills
'til the landslide brought it down
Oh, mirror in the sky -What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changin'...ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
I don't know.....I don't know
Well I've been afraid of changin'
because I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder, even children get older
And I'm getting older too....
So, take my love...take it down
Climb a mountain and turn around
and if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills...
well the landslide will bring it down
The landslide will bring it down

As much as I'd like to explain why it makes such a big impact on me, I don't want to start. Otherwise, I might not end.