Perhaps one of the things I find amazing about myself is my ability to unleash all sorts of ideas from common events in my life. Just last night, I was with two old friends who are amongst those I consider to have made the most impact in my life. We did not meet up to have profound discussions about our lives and where we are all heading. Rather, we were just there...three people hanging out, talking about nothing and everything. And out of that little meeting I have somehow managed to have some thoughts on my life and other things that matter to me. I cant exactly figure out how it happened that I thought about these things, I just did.

I have always had this nagging feeling that I'm going to die young.
No I am not being intentionally morbid, its just this little thought inside me...I will die young. I dont know how and I dont know what "young" is supposed to mean in this context, but yes, I have a feeling that my time in this world will not be as long as expected. My only wish though, is that when I die, it will be quick and as painless as possible, both to me, and to those who will be affected by it.

My lifeis not at all that bad.
I have a far from perfect, but loving, family. I have friends who have time and again been there for me. I have a career that has thus far, allowed me to go one of the most memorable places I can possibly ever go to. Though I am not financially abundant, I have more than enough to live a normal and comfortable life. I may be young but I've been to places, I've seen what other people my age have not necessarily been exposed to. In fact, the only thing that I think is lacking is the absence of that someone. But then again, I know I'm not alone. There are still countless Single Since Birth community members out there, and what I'm missing out on male and female relationship aspect I think is pretty much covered by the presence of an absolutely undefeatable, unbelievable, incorrigible, unfailingly loyal and viciously bitchy group of friends. Who needs a man who will leave you for the newest, sexiest and dumbest (though possibly also "boobsiest") female on the block when you have friends who will see you through every bottle of coke even when you whine about gaining weight and keeping it off. I dont need men. Yet the number of sentences that I have used up just to justify that somehow diminishes the impact of my not needing men. *sigh* Yes, my life is not bad, but like everyone else, there's a lot left to want. And I want what I have never had.

I was, and still am, a prick.
No matter what other people may think of me, that I'm carefree and that I do not have a care in the world, I am and will forever be, a stickler for rules. Yes, I break the rules, but only when I have reason to. Most of the time my reasons are normal and expected, but there are times when my reasons are all out of whack. At least for most people. To me, my reasons would be the result of: 1) thinking 2) thinking yet again 3) re-thinking what has been thought of 4) giving up on thinking and just going with what I feel 5) giving up on acting on what I feel and doing what impulse would have me do.

I have guts and pretty much nothing else.
Despite all the confidence that I have, I am first and foremost, only human. I have a habit of stepping up when I have to and when no one takes charge. I have a habit of being the talkative one when everyone else keeps quiet. I have a habit of stirring things up when things are too slow and too boring. I stand up tall because I know that it has the effect of making me look confident though I am pretty much all shaky inside. I speak out when I am asked because I was not taught to be ashamed of my own ideas. I mind my manners when I'm around new people out of respect and courtesy to people I dont know and am not acquainted to. I listen to reason and put myself in other people's shoes as often as I can because I know that its the best way to understand them. When I hear a compliment, I say "Thank you" and when I hear a criticism I try to take them lightly. But at the end of the day, I have countless insecurities like everyone else. Have I put on too much weight? Am I too short? Does my hair make my face look big? Did I do a good job at work today? Do my shoes match the rest of my outfit? Did I talk too much? Did I say too little? But I suppose my most important point here is this, when I am turned away or taken for granted, I shrug my shoulders and say "oh well, I cant please everyone", but most of the time it doesnt go down as easy as that. I think it over, and yes, I do ponder on it until I think there's nothing left to think of....and it doesnt really end there. Because I think it over yet again.