I've been spending the past half hour just toying around with the open document in my PC (also known as a "program" -- which is what I do for a living)
but nothing intelligent comes to mind. I simply do not have the strength.
It started this morning...that eerie realization that I have been lazing around for the past month or so. At first it was just a nagging little thought, with as much impact as a speck of dust falling on your shoulder. And then this morning while changing..there it was! My clothes fit lousy. It doesnt feel as if any muscle has been used lately, and the reason behind it? I havent been doing anything save for work. Which means I commute to work, spend most of the day reclined in my seat, typing away.
Normally, I would react by planning to go jogging in the afternoon after work....or by planning some physical activity of some sort for the weekend. But this morning, I didnt bother. I simply dont have the strength. I dont have the drive. I dont have the inspiration to do anything at all. I want to just lie in bed and watch cable the whole day.
*Sigh* and I used to have so much energy.
Wonder what happened.
*sigh*
May 20, 2003
May 6, 2003
Perhaps one of the things I find amazing about myself is my ability to unleash all sorts of ideas from common events in my life. Just last night, I was with two old friends who are amongst those I consider to have made the most impact in my life. We did not meet up to have profound discussions about our lives and where we are all heading. Rather, we were just there...three people hanging out, talking about nothing and everything. And out of that little meeting I have somehow managed to have some thoughts on my life and other things that matter to me. I cant exactly figure out how it happened that I thought about these things, I just did.
I have always had this nagging feeling that I'm going to die young.
No I am not being intentionally morbid, its just this little thought inside me...I will die young. I dont know how and I dont know what "young" is supposed to mean in this context, but yes, I have a feeling that my time in this world will not be as long as expected. My only wish though, is that when I die, it will be quick and as painless as possible, both to me, and to those who will be affected by it.
My lifeis not at all that bad.
I have a far from perfect, but loving, family. I have friends who have time and again been there for me. I have a career that has thus far, allowed me to go one of the most memorable places I can possibly ever go to. Though I am not financially abundant, I have more than enough to live a normal and comfortable life. I may be young but I've been to places, I've seen what other people my age have not necessarily been exposed to. In fact, the only thing that I think is lacking is the absence of that someone. But then again, I know I'm not alone. There are still countless Single Since Birth community members out there, and what I'm missing out on male and female relationship aspect I think is pretty much covered by the presence of an absolutely undefeatable, unbelievable, incorrigible, unfailingly loyal and viciously bitchy group of friends. Who needs a man who will leave you for the newest, sexiest and dumbest (though possibly also "boobsiest") female on the block when you have friends who will see you through every bottle of coke even when you whine about gaining weight and keeping it off. I dont need men. Yet the number of sentences that I have used up just to justify that somehow diminishes the impact of my not needing men. *sigh* Yes, my life is not bad, but like everyone else, there's a lot left to want. And I want what I have never had.
I was, and still am, a prick.
No matter what other people may think of me, that I'm carefree and that I do not have a care in the world, I am and will forever be, a stickler for rules. Yes, I break the rules, but only when I have reason to. Most of the time my reasons are normal and expected, but there are times when my reasons are all out of whack. At least for most people. To me, my reasons would be the result of: 1) thinking 2) thinking yet again 3) re-thinking what has been thought of 4) giving up on thinking and just going with what I feel 5) giving up on acting on what I feel and doing what impulse would have me do.
I have guts and pretty much nothing else.
Despite all the confidence that I have, I am first and foremost, only human. I have a habit of stepping up when I have to and when no one takes charge. I have a habit of being the talkative one when everyone else keeps quiet. I have a habit of stirring things up when things are too slow and too boring. I stand up tall because I know that it has the effect of making me look confident though I am pretty much all shaky inside. I speak out when I am asked because I was not taught to be ashamed of my own ideas. I mind my manners when I'm around new people out of respect and courtesy to people I dont know and am not acquainted to. I listen to reason and put myself in other people's shoes as often as I can because I know that its the best way to understand them. When I hear a compliment, I say "Thank you" and when I hear a criticism I try to take them lightly. But at the end of the day, I have countless insecurities like everyone else. Have I put on too much weight? Am I too short? Does my hair make my face look big? Did I do a good job at work today? Do my shoes match the rest of my outfit? Did I talk too much? Did I say too little? But I suppose my most important point here is this, when I am turned away or taken for granted, I shrug my shoulders and say "oh well, I cant please everyone", but most of the time it doesnt go down as easy as that. I think it over, and yes, I do ponder on it until I think there's nothing left to think of....and it doesnt really end there. Because I think it over yet again.
I have always had this nagging feeling that I'm going to die young.
No I am not being intentionally morbid, its just this little thought inside me...I will die young. I dont know how and I dont know what "young" is supposed to mean in this context, but yes, I have a feeling that my time in this world will not be as long as expected. My only wish though, is that when I die, it will be quick and as painless as possible, both to me, and to those who will be affected by it.
My lifeis not at all that bad.
I have a far from perfect, but loving, family. I have friends who have time and again been there for me. I have a career that has thus far, allowed me to go one of the most memorable places I can possibly ever go to. Though I am not financially abundant, I have more than enough to live a normal and comfortable life. I may be young but I've been to places, I've seen what other people my age have not necessarily been exposed to. In fact, the only thing that I think is lacking is the absence of that someone. But then again, I know I'm not alone. There are still countless Single Since Birth community members out there, and what I'm missing out on male and female relationship aspect I think is pretty much covered by the presence of an absolutely undefeatable, unbelievable, incorrigible, unfailingly loyal and viciously bitchy group of friends. Who needs a man who will leave you for the newest, sexiest and dumbest (though possibly also "boobsiest") female on the block when you have friends who will see you through every bottle of coke even when you whine about gaining weight and keeping it off. I dont need men. Yet the number of sentences that I have used up just to justify that somehow diminishes the impact of my not needing men. *sigh* Yes, my life is not bad, but like everyone else, there's a lot left to want. And I want what I have never had.
I was, and still am, a prick.
No matter what other people may think of me, that I'm carefree and that I do not have a care in the world, I am and will forever be, a stickler for rules. Yes, I break the rules, but only when I have reason to. Most of the time my reasons are normal and expected, but there are times when my reasons are all out of whack. At least for most people. To me, my reasons would be the result of: 1) thinking 2) thinking yet again 3) re-thinking what has been thought of 4) giving up on thinking and just going with what I feel 5) giving up on acting on what I feel and doing what impulse would have me do.
I have guts and pretty much nothing else.
Despite all the confidence that I have, I am first and foremost, only human. I have a habit of stepping up when I have to and when no one takes charge. I have a habit of being the talkative one when everyone else keeps quiet. I have a habit of stirring things up when things are too slow and too boring. I stand up tall because I know that it has the effect of making me look confident though I am pretty much all shaky inside. I speak out when I am asked because I was not taught to be ashamed of my own ideas. I mind my manners when I'm around new people out of respect and courtesy to people I dont know and am not acquainted to. I listen to reason and put myself in other people's shoes as often as I can because I know that its the best way to understand them. When I hear a compliment, I say "Thank you" and when I hear a criticism I try to take them lightly. But at the end of the day, I have countless insecurities like everyone else. Have I put on too much weight? Am I too short? Does my hair make my face look big? Did I do a good job at work today? Do my shoes match the rest of my outfit? Did I talk too much? Did I say too little? But I suppose my most important point here is this, when I am turned away or taken for granted, I shrug my shoulders and say "oh well, I cant please everyone", but most of the time it doesnt go down as easy as that. I think it over, and yes, I do ponder on it until I think there's nothing left to think of....and it doesnt really end there. Because I think it over yet again.
May 2, 2003
Yearn On
by Katie Donovan
I want you to feel
the unbearable lack of me.
I want your skin
to yearn for the soft lure of mine;
I want those hints of red
on your canvas
to deepen in passion for me:
carmine, burgundy.
I want you to keep stubbing your toe
on the memory of me;
I want your head to be dizzy
and your stomach in a spin;
I want you to hear my voice
in your ear, to trouch your face
imagining it is my hand.
I want your body to shiver and quiver
at the mere idea of mine.
I want you to feel as though
life after me is dull, and pointless,
and very, very aggravating;
that with me you were lifted
on a current you waited all your life to find,
as though you were wading
through a soggy swill of inanity and ugliness
every minute we are apart.
I want you to drive yourself crazy
with the fantasy of me,
and how we will meet again, against all odds,
and there will be tears and flowers,
and the vast relief of not I,
but us.
I am haunting your dreams,
conducting these fevers
from a distance,
a distance that leaves me weeping,
and storming,
and bereft.
by Katie Donovan
I want you to feel
the unbearable lack of me.
I want your skin
to yearn for the soft lure of mine;
I want those hints of red
on your canvas
to deepen in passion for me:
carmine, burgundy.
I want you to keep stubbing your toe
on the memory of me;
I want your head to be dizzy
and your stomach in a spin;
I want you to hear my voice
in your ear, to trouch your face
imagining it is my hand.
I want your body to shiver and quiver
at the mere idea of mine.
I want you to feel as though
life after me is dull, and pointless,
and very, very aggravating;
that with me you were lifted
on a current you waited all your life to find,
as though you were wading
through a soggy swill of inanity and ugliness
every minute we are apart.
I want you to drive yourself crazy
with the fantasy of me,
and how we will meet again, against all odds,
and there will be tears and flowers,
and the vast relief of not I,
but us.
I am haunting your dreams,
conducting these fevers
from a distance,
a distance that leaves me weeping,
and storming,
and bereft.
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